"As I grow in age, I value older women most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
1. An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
2. An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 50 give a damn what you might think about her.
3. An older single woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and "commitment." The last thing she needs in her life is another dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover! Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
4. Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness and are generous with praise, often undeserved.
5. An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Older women couldn't care less.
6. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. They always know.
7. An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
8. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Her libido's stronger, her fear of pregnancy gone. Her experience of lovemaking is honed and reciprocal and she's lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her daughter could never dream of.
9. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one.
10. Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 70 there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22 year old waitress.
11. "Ladies, I apologize for all of us. That men are genetically inferior is no secret. Count your blessings that we die off at a far younger age, leaving you the best part of your lives to appreciate the exquisite woman you've become, without the distraction of some demanding old man clinging and whining his way intoyour serenity."
Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection........Well, REALLY NOW . even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional, schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
Changes with old age
A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there, and the next day she was!
She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And, whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body.This is very rude! I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back.
The least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no. Every once in a while, I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later, it's all gone! I certainly don't spend money THAT fast, so I can only conclude the old lady is pilfering from me.
You'd think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream.
And money isn't the only thing I think she is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate--especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies, and candy. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she'd better watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds. I suspect she realizes this, and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight, too.
For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going into my closets when I'm not home and altering my clothes so they don't fit. And she messes with my files and papers so I can't find anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organized.
She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can't read it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio, and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers.
She has done other things--like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and faucets harder to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge.
Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars.
She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus, she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.
Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's license, and just as the camera shutter clicked, shejumped in front of me!
I hope she never finds out where YOU live!
Welcome to the Florida Scene.
Some "senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona
slim, 5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking,
companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth
husband looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the
ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a
dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in
my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get
and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you
can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some
hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't
condition, but walks well.
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humour?)
SO! I AM OLD, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower, and she was a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the
big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on,
he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her,
"Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of
careful consideration, she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning,
he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could
not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation,
he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn't remember
as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely
evening past. As he gained a little more courage,
he then inquired of her,
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say
'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I
said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
A car company can move its factories to Mexico and claim it's a free
A toy company can out-source to a Chinese sub-contractor and claim
it's a free market.
A major bank can incorporate in Bermuda to avoid taxes and claim it's
a free market.
The IRS can have OUR tax returns audited by a contractor in INDIA who
works for $500 per year!
BUT, heaven help the elderly who dare to buy their prescription drugs
from a Canadian pharmacy. That's just so un-American!
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
Getting "lucky" means you found your car
in the parking lot.
The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt,
You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
You sink your teeth into a steak -
and they stay there.
You give up all your bad habits and
still don't feel good.
You have more patience, but it is actually
that you just don't care anymore.
You finally get your head together and
your body starts falling apart.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.
But everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age.
The first is your loss of memory,
the other two I forget.
You're getting old when
you don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun
and fun a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy,
there are five women to every man.
Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years
when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when
you have stopped growing at both ends,
and have begun to grow in the middle.
Of course I'm against sin;
I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.
Billy Graham has described heaven as
a family reunion that never ends.
What must hell possibly be like?
Home videos of the same reunion?
A man has reached middle age
when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor
instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations
and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when
you realize that caution is the only thing
you care to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action" means
I don't need to take a laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down
if it had to work its way through Congress.
You're getting old when
getting lucky means
you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when
you're sitting in a rocker
and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when
your wife gives up sex for Lent,
and you don't know until the 4th of July.
You're getting old when
you wake up with that morning-after feeling,
and you didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet:
if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news:
the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic
when you can't remember anything.
You know you're getting old when
you stop buying green bananas.
Last Will and Testament:
Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
4 older ladies are sitting around playing bridge.
The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."
The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."
"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"
DRESS CODE FOR SENIORS
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together:
~ A nose ring and bifocals.
~ Spiked hair and bald spots.
~ A pierced tongue and dentures.
~ Miniskirts and support hose.
~ Ankle bracelets and corn pads.
~ Speedo's and cellulite.
~ A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar.