1. Your mail goes to four addresses in two countries before it reaches you.
2. You earned an Accounting degree by deciphering your husband's LES and running a family on what was ACTUALLY deposited.
3. "Savings" sounds like a great idea and you hope to someday have some.
4. Sex - see #3.
5. You can simultaneously be a control freak, change plans on a moment's notice, yet you are not being treated for schizophrenia.
6. You know the Tricare regulations/procedures better than their service reps.
7. You know what forms you need better than your husband's Admin clerk.
8. You are strangely attracted (or repulsed) by the color green.
9. You can calculate the cost of a 5-minute phone call from any country, anytime, on up to four different calling plans.
10. At a distance, you can pick out your husband from 100 other men with identical haircuts and clothes.
11. The face paint in your closet is NOT for your children.
12. Name tapes are not just for kids.
As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make: He'd just signed up at an army recruiter's office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his olderbrothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.
"Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs," snickered one: "You didn't really do that, did you?"
"I'm positive you'd never get through basic training" scoffed another.
The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question: "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"
The Classic Radio Conversation
Proper radio procedure is usually one of the firs! t things to go in a combat situation for some...lets relive a classic from the jungle of Viet Naminvolving a forward observer and an artillery command post.
FO: (said in a nasally hillbilly twang) Hello artillery group...helloartillery group...this is the Green Dragon requesting artillery support insector 6-6.This is the Green Dragon requesting artillery support in sector 6-6 over...
AC: Last caller...Last caller. This is the Artillery group CP. This is the artillery group CP. Use proper terminology - Authenticate before entering the net. Authenticate before entering the net. Over.
FO: Hello artillery group. This is the Green Dragon requesting artillery support in sector 6-6. I need a fire mission in sector 6-6. I need it
now. Authenticate on that Over.
AC: Ok Green Dragon. That kind of miss-use of the radio net will not be
tolerated! Who are you? What's your unit? Who's your commanding officer?
Answer now! Over!
FO: Aw come on Sir. I ain't that Green a Dragon.out!
Tank Studies
In The US Tank school, the following are defitnitions, as appropriate, by the different organizations that support the tank:
In the tank gunnery school, you are taught that if your tank could move, and communicate but could not shoot, what you had was a worthless tank.
In the tank propulsion school, you are taught if your tank could shoot, and communicate, but could not move, what you had was a worthless tank.
in the tank communication school, you are taught that if your tank can move, and communicate, but can not shoot, what you have essentially is a 52 ton portable radio.
There was this General-in-training, and his superioirs were asking him questions "What happened on June 6, 1944?" "We stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as D-Day, sir!" "What was the turnining point of world war 2?" "Battle of the bulge, sir!" "What's is the importance of May 12" The Man thought and thought "I don't know, sir!" The superior then said "Well, I'll tell your wife that you forgot her birthday"
During an army basic training, the lieutenant took the batch on a match and asked each of them where home was. After everyone had answered, he sneered and said "you are all wrong, the army is now your home".
Back at the barracks, he read the evening duties, then asked the first sergeant if he had anything to say "you bet I do" the sergeant replied,"men, while you were gone today, I found beds improperly made, clothes not hanging correctly, shoes not shined and footlockers a mess. Where do
you think you are? Home?
DISCRETION
RETURN TO ACTIVE DUTY
Because of the current shortage of military personnel, you will be receiving orders recalling you to active duty. The DOD has decided that your services are needed on board a newly commissioned patrol ship to operate in the Caribbean, so you will be joining your shipmates in the next couple of weeks. I have attached a photo of your new crew. They are a ragged and scurvy lot, rather young and rough; no doubt they will need extensive training.
This will be tough duty for an elderly man like you, but, in the face of the present manpower shortage, you must answer your country's call to duty.
You will receive orders in a few days, directing you to your home port in time to meet the ship, which will be returning from shakedown training.
The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor.
During one such conflict a ROK ( Republic of Korea ) commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, called legendary Marine, General Chesty Puller, to report a major Chinese attack in his sector. "How many Chinese are attacking you?" asked Puller.
"Many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean officer. General Puller
asked for another count and got the same answer "Many, many, many Chinese!"
"X*#d*mmit!" swore Puller, "Put my Marine liaison officer on the radio."
In a minute, an American voice came over the air: "Yes sir?"
"Lieutenant," growled Chesty, "exactly how many Chinese you got up there?"
"General, we got a whole shitload of Chinese up here!"
"Thank God." exclaimed Puller, "At least there's someone up there who knows how to count.
You have Got To love our Servicemen
A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.
Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in
Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of your aircraft.
Now, exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
"GO ARMY"
Listening to the radio the other day, and one of the all-time best comeback lines was presented.
(Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio {NPR}
interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation)
FEMALE: So General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE: But you're equipping them to become violent killers
GENERAL: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one. Are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended, and all I could think was,
Go Army.
PILOT INSTRUCTIONS
1. Don't take the machine into the air unless you are satisfied it will fly.
2. Never leave the ground with the motor leaking.
3. Don't turn sharply when taxiing. Instead of turning sharp, have someone lift the tail around.
4. In taking off, look at the ground and the air.
5. Never get out of a machine with the motor running until the pilot relieving you can reach the engine controls.
6. Pilots should carry hankies in a handy position to wipe off goggles.
7. Riding on the steps, wings, or tail of a machine is prohibited.
8. In case the engine fails on takeoff, land straight ahead regardless of obstacles.
9. No machine must taxi faster than a man can walk.
10. Never run motor so that blast will blow on other machines.
11. Learn to gauge altitude, especially on landing.
12. If you see another machine near you, get out of the way.
13. No two cadets should ever ride together in the same machine.
14. Do not trust altitude instruments.
15. Before you begin a landing glide, see that no machines are under you.
16. Hedge-hopping will not be tolerated.
17. No spins on back or tail slides will be indulged in as they unnecessarily strain the machines.
18. If flying against the wind and you wish to fly with the wind, don't make a sharp turn near the ground. You may crash.
19. Motors have been known to stop during a long glide. If pilot wishes to use motor for landing, he should open throttle.
20. Don't attempt to force machine onto ground with more than flying speed. The result is bouncing and ricocheting.
21. Pilots will not wear spurs while flying.
22. Do not use aeronauticle gasoline in cars or motorcycles.
23. You must not take off or land closer than 50 feet to the hanger.
24. Never take a machine into the air until you are familiar with its controls and instruments.
25. If an emergency occurs while flying, land as soon as possible.
Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges."
After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marines, retired Never married, two sons, both Admirals.
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is".
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "Sure, buddy." Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier: "No, SIR!"
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The general shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The sergeant turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave." "Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport. "You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously. "Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in '44 I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
WISDOM - FROM THE MILITARY MANUAL
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
----------- --------- --------- ---------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine corps Gunnery Sgt.
------ ------ --------- --------- ---------
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper.. Once."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
And
"Oh *dear!" *(Or a suitable synonym!)
----------- --------- --------- ---------
"Airspeed, altitude and brains.
Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
------------ --------- --------- --------- -
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation;
We never left one up there!"
----------- --------- --------- ---------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks,
"What happened?"
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
The Aisle Seat
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors...
'Why does it have to be this way?'
'How long must this go on?'
'This fighting between our nations?'
'This hatred?'
'This animosity?'
'This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES
"The Marines I have seen around the world have the cleanest bodies, the filthiest minds, the highest morale, and the lowest morals of any group of animals I have ever seen. Thank God for the United States Marine Corps!
Eleanor Roosevelt, 1945"
Subject: Semper Fi
THE PATRIOT MICRO CHIP is intended to be implanted in terrorists.
The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the forehead.
When properly installed, it will allow the implantee to speak to God.
It comes in various sizes:
The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly-skilled technician. The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, like headaches and nausea, are temporary.
Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site. Please enjoy the security we provide for you.
This video is made by the bad guys. The cameraman is filming his friend as he praises Allah and launches mortar shots at American troops. Little does he know that new mortar shell tracking technology can track the trajectory of a hostile round and fire a retaliatory shot to precisely the spot from which the hostile shell was fired. This only requires the hostile mortar to fire 2 to 3 rounds. Count the number of mortar rounds the masked insurgent fires in the video. See how well it works. Isn't technology wonderful?
If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!! A United States Marine was taking some college courses between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq
and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform... I'll give you exactly 15 min." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine calmly replied, "GOD was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me."
